The Being Present Is Hard

A Wee Bit Late To The Party

New Year, New Decade and for so many reasons my head is finally coming up for air.  I have been deep diving into my life and doing the hard work to sort through what I was leaving behind and what I was bringing forward.  

It was pretty easy to get stuck between the nostalgia of what was falling away and what I was still wanting to hold onto.  If you find yourself in the inbetween space, I am here to remind you that presence is your greatest gift.   PRESENCE was the one constant I kept getting stuck in and the one constant I was not able to show up for. 

I opened the shoppe and went on auto pilot to create something so wonderful here in Brighton for myself and for others. What was missing was the power of presence.  Was I always present?  No if the truth be known I was not always present.  I was present in my work, present in my events but not always present in my own life except during the moments of grief or the reminders of what was missing in my life.  

When I got to the holiday season this year my heart was not dancing in joy.  I was exhausted and just wanted to shut down.  In the past, Christmas was always my most favourite time of the year. Heartbreakingly for me, somewhere along the last few years it changed.  I retreated and went into hiding from Christmas Day on.  This year I was safe in the shoppe as my joy is always there.  I thought for sure this time I would make it and then it happened.  The next day when I had to be present for just me I crumbled. 

On December 31st I sat with my journal in hand writing out the last decade and all the losses. The losses included my Mom, 2 dogs, a relationship, my best friend and the shedding of a 30 year career amongst so much more.  Why was I able to sit present for the past and not present for the exact place I was in?  This is when it all turned around.  The ritual in my journal dropped me to my knees and I knew I missed out on the greatest present of all.  PRESENCE

Now to rewind a week……

A week before Christmas one of my dearest girlfriends of almost 40 years was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I was devastated.  I was devastated for her, for her children and for her grandchildren.  When Carolyn told me there was no treatment and she was choosing assisted dying I fell apart.  I begged her to wait for me to get down to see her and she agreed, but in the end she cancelled.   Understandably she was in too much pain and she was home with her kids.  

That last week leading up to Christmas waiting for news, I was again on auto pilot and again not fully present.  In phone conversations with Carolyn and on facebook she spoke of nothing but love and asking us all to not sweat the small stuff.  She had no anger, no self pity and no regrets.  She spoke of how proud she was of her kids, her grandkids as well as how proud she was of me.  Carolyn was fully present and I was fully in my stuck energy not understanding why assisted dying?   Why during the holidays?  

On New Years Eve I finally started moving that energy.  I finally lifted my head up and said I was going to take Carolyn’s words to heart and stop seeing the losses.  I was called by a friend of ours and assumed Carolyn had died as she left a goodbye on facebook.  I went into my storage boxes to rip open so many of my life keepsakes looking for pictures of Carolyn and I back in the 80s.  Yes thank you Carolyn you made sure I went through right to the last box where I found us.  I posted those pictures on facebook with a heartfelt write up thanking Carolyn for her unconditional love and her unwavering friendship.  Well doesn’t she get me again by replying “Oh Patrice thanks for cheering me up like only you can”. 

I picked up my journal right then and there to finish the decade off by not only writing about the losses but to write about the many blessings.  I was looking at it not from the past but from presence.  My blessings were my Mom, 2 dogs, a relationship, my best friend and the shedding of a 30 year career amongst so much more.  Those losses were truly blessings as without those moments in my life I would not be where I am today.  I am blessed to be in Brighton and be the proud owner of a wonderful shoppe.  I am blessed to have each and every person that has walked into my shoppe, who came to an event or just shared kindnesses when we passed each other.  

That afternoon my girlfriend of almost 40 years passed away peacefully and on her own terms.  She lived her life with such grace and fire and she passed away with that same grace and fire.  Carolyn made sure we will celebrate New Years one way or another.  Maybe this New Year was a tough one but in years to come we will dance again for the coming New Year while celebrating her grace and fire as well as our own.  Being present I see Carolyn was leaving us with a gift and she didn’t have to go into the next decade with pain. My girlfriend lived a sometimes very difficult life and she did not sit in that pain on her last days.  My girlfriend taught me so much more in those last 2 weeks than what I had learned all of 2019.  Carolyn Cormier I sure do love you and thank you for sharing so many crazy memories with me.  Forever and For Always.

Now my truth

“Speaking my truth and my sharing is a pretty difficult thing as it shows my vulnerabilities and in some peoples eyes my weaknesses.  I remember more than once being asked why I was crying because to them I was the strongest person they had ever met?  I took shame in those words and became afraid to share my own stories, my own wounds.  I would fear when my tears welled up and I started to notice they came up in anger, they came up in frustration, in sharing others stories as well as in my own.  I was realizing I was just really sensitive and I needed to stop being embarrassed about it.  I realized if you take away that part of me, you take away the very essence of who I am.  I have spent years quieting my inner child who naturally shared her tears so no one would make fun of me.  Now I am spending years trying to reconnect with her and bring her out into my heart and into my soul.  The truth is that speaking your truth and sharing your story is one of the bravest, most vulnerable and empowering gifts that gives us permission to learn and to heal.  

There is no shame in sharing your story.  It’s a HUGE opportunity to learn and to grow.  There is no shame in crying as they truly are tears of your inner beauty.