A Selfless Love
Sometimes I am late in getting my newsletter put together and I have finally given myself permission for this expectation hangover to subside. In the beginning I would experience anxiety because in my mind all of the subscribers were waiting for this newsletter. To me it felt like I was out of integrity when it did not appear in their mailbox the 1st of every month. The truth is I have shamed myself enough in this lifetime that I have decided ‘NO MORE.’ How vain of me to think you are waiting for this newsletter and how clumsy of me to just throw something together in order to make the deadline.
The minute I hit send on my newsletter my mind starts racing for the next newsletter and it is a forever spinning wheel. Through the few weeks in between my topics bounce from one idea to another. If I am not called to start writing then the passion for that newsletter leaves and I am on to the next thought. Yes I let myself off in February on a light note without showing the onion layers of my existence. This month the topic has changed a few times and I was never called to write until now. I know and believe Spirit calls in my writing and when the time is right the heart starts speaking. I have learned when it comes from my mind I am not always aligned with it. When my heart starts the writing I know this is what I am called to share. I do not know what my sharing gives to my readers but I do know what my sharing gives to me. I only hope that in the peeling back of my onion, you will possibly get a glimpse of what lies within yours.
On Monday I hadn’t found my newsletter yet and I knew it would have to surface soon. Mondays are my day off to do all my background work and this Monday it was spent in a Kleenex box instead. This is when my newsletter reared its ugly head. At 3 pm I started spinning into a mini breakdown, then the call was made.
Three years ago while living in St. Marys I was asked to watch a foster dog through Team Chelsea’s Pet Rescue in Durham and of course the answer was YES. It was a scary yes because I would be what some call a foster failure and I am the dog lady when on holidays. Where I go strays will follow and I mean whether I am in Italy, Dominican or even Costa Rica. This in particular dogsitting turned into me being the proud owner of a very slobbery Boomer a 2 year old Gentle Giant Black Lab. When I met with the present foster I knew they knew it was a very good chance I was not giving him back. I loved Boomer and I was going to save him as he had been rehomed 3 times and he needed to know he belonged.
Boomer belonged in mine and LuLu’s heart but never did he truly connect with my partner and our other little dog Leo. Boomer was one big dog with a lot of love to give and all he asked for in return was to be loved back. Boomer did not know where we ended and he began that first year and his slobber was everywhere. During all this time my partner became very unhappy and was filled with so much anxiety . Before too long our relationship fell apart and I ended up taking Boomer and LuLu to the lake for the summer of 2018. We were not going back and that is when I knew there was a new life being forged for the three of us. Please don’t get me wrong Boomer was not the cause of our breakup but he definitely was the Angel sent to help me heal. He was the Angel who would one day save LuLu’s life in 2018. I am sure Boomer was sent as our very own Lassie. Amazing how our puppies unconditionally love us so much that we find our way back through their kisses and cuddles. These beauties watch us so intently and know exactly what we need and when we need it.
Boomer, LuLu and myself found the perfect place to call home in September 2018 which turned out to be a home in Brighton. Thank you to my late crazy Chocolate Lab Bronson as we found a place where they would be able to run through trees and play all day long. I made a promise to Bronson years ago that him and LuLu would have a yard with tons of trees to play in and to laze around. Although Bronson didn’t make it, LuLu did and she brought her new boy Boomer alongside with her. Bronson however did make it to the trees as he runs and plays in spirit with the rest of the crew.
Did Boomer bring us to Brighton with the blessings of the Universe? Was this the plan all along? Today I am realizing the universe does have a great hand in the unfolding of our lives. It gives us the characters needed to grant us access to our most extreme pains, our greatest growth and some pretty amazing moments to recognize what life is all about . I would not have picked this property if it were not for the promise I made Bronson and birthing of the pain that I felt when I failed him. Boomer took that perceived failure into his heart and found a way to bring me back into my own heart. Boomer became my Lassie as this gentle giant settled beside me to get me through a pretty big life transition of retiring from real estate and moving to a place where I did not know a soul. In return my larger than life Boomer had the perfect yard and he ran it like running a marathon every day of the week. Funny how I rescued him from Whitby to bring him to St. Marys only to have him come full circle back to Whitby, Ontario.
I am able to say Whitby because this week I ripped my own heart open to experience a rawness by the name of Selfless Love. What is Selfless Love? It is being able to look your beautiful boy in his eyes knowing they love nobody more than you, and to say, “I am not good enough for you.” No not really but that is what it has felt like the past few days. The ‘I am not good enough’ is a limiting belief I & many people out there ingrain into ourselves as small children. These are the beliefs we hold on to and for some of us our entire life. It takes a lot out of us to look it closely in the eye and recognize its just a voice and it holds no merit.
Boomers life changed when I opened up Happy Place and so did our relationship. Boomer came to me when I was selling real estate and able to juggle my hours to work with my partner. Now with the shoppe and on my own all I saw was the sadness of Boom’s eyes every day as I left for work and it was so very heartbreaking. The excitement when I walked through that door after 5pm was so overbearing. From the moment I got home he would sit in front of me within 2 inches of my face. He would throw his slobber all over me and lick me to death. When I watched TV he would stand up on his back legs and just stare nonstop. When visitors came to visit he did the same to them and they would leave covered in his slobber. Yes, we all have our dogs that follow us to the bathroom as we are pack animals but this guy may as well have been a joey in my pouch as there was not even a string that could slide between us. The anxiety Boomer was starting to exhibit was breaking my heart and I didn’t quite know how I could fix it without giving up my shoppe. Boomer was now licking his paws and starting to eat books. This was a dog who had never chewed a thing except self soothing on my slippers without ever putting a tear in them. My Boomer was trying to tell me something and I was not listening.
This is when I made the call!
I picked up the phone to call my daughter and when she answered I started balling. Through my tears I was saying I can’t handle Boomer anymore, I am ruining his life and he doesn’t deserve this. In turn Kirstyn was sitting beside her father my ex husband and I could hear him say “I will take BoomBoom”. I asked for a breather of 10 minutes as I hung up and crawled on top of Boomer begging him to let me know what he needed.
I knew in my heart Boomer deserved to not be alone every single day of the week while I went to work. My ex was retired and would love on Boomer beyond what I was capable of. Ray was the love of my life, the father of my children and always present in our lives. Ray could be the love of Boomers life too, but could I handle that? Of course I could as I share children with him and have shared dogs with him in the past. Why wouldn’t I jump at this incredible opportunity? If it wasn’t Ray it would never happen as I wouldn’t let Boom go through another rehoming.
I called them back and Ray was in his truck driving from Whitby to Brighton to pick up our Boom. I was on the sofa begging and sobbing for forgiveness while beating myself up for being the most horrible mother in the world. I was abandoning my big beautiful Boomer. As per normal when Ray showed up Boomer was all over him, slobbering on him, climbing on him and just plain being the dufus he has always been. I feared calling his kennel as they too loved Boomer beyond belief. Most people who met Boomer and was used to slobbery dogs absolutely loved the guy. I expected everyone I told to tell me I was wrong and most everyone was excited for Boomer.
When it came time for Ray to leave that’s when the pain started. Boom took a look at his crate and backed away from Ray to stand behind me. Usually when there is activity in the yard Boomer would be out there but not this time. Boomer went up my landing and was not having any part of this. He knew something was happening again and he was being sent away now for the fourth time. My heart was broken into a million pieces on the floor and I just wanted to scream “NO” you can’t have my dog. My head was saying you have no choice as Boomer deserves to be happy. I was breaking my heart all over again after going through such pain over LuLu. Worse, I was breaking Boomer’s heart every day when I left for work or got annoyed with him when I got home as he didn’t give space to unwind.
A couple of hours later Ray held me as I sobbed and then left with Boomer in the front seat of his truck. Boom resting his head on Ray’s lap in the truck and I looking out the window in tears resting my head on the sofa as Boomer did every day when I left for work. The first 24 hours killed me as my home now was a just a house. A lonely house it was, when I realized he wasn’t there to greet me the next day. Of course I didn’t leave in guilt the next morning as his big eyes weren’t there to plead with me. My house is now too quiet, soon his hair will disappear, and the slobber will eventually be wiped clean. A life without Boomer everyone says will be freedom, but for me it will be lonely. I have no one to get irritated with anymore and every so often just like I did with LuLu I will have an imaginary conversation with him.
The truth of Boom is that he is so very happy. I have yet to visit my big guy and I only hope it will be an easy visit. I will be able to play with him whenever I like as he lives with my son and his father. That evening my son Robert face timed when he got home from work to say thank you and was over the moon. He was beaming with excitement because he loved Boomer and now Boomer was with him every day. When I first adopted Boom Robert would say he wished Boom was his dog. Well Rob, even though to me he was your dog….you can now say he is definitely your dog. Or should I say “Our” dog. You are most welcome my son, and you have made it so much easier on me as I now see how happy you all are.
The other truth of Boom is what my daughter brought to my attention. When did our children become our words of wisdom? Kirstyn called that evening and said Boomer was supposed to go to Dad all along. I listened and she brought this whole sad moment to a beautiful circle of life moment. Boomer came into my life for me to save him, but in truth is he was saving me. He was there for me as my life came tumbling down all around and returned me to the original place I wanted to call home back in 2010. For the last 3 years I have loved on Boomer and he has loved on me. I helped heal his wound of never being loved and he helped heal mine. Now as my dreams are coming into fruition Boomer has been falling apart. I cannot allow my dreams to grow and his happiness to suffer. Three years ago Ray was not in a position to bring Boomer into his life as he had other dogs. He turned down 2 dogs over the past month as they didn’t feel right for him. Ray was hesitating and for what? With Kirstyn’s wisdom I do believe she is right. The universe was lining everything up for all of our highest good. For the last 3 years my kids got to love Boom alongside my grandpuppies Tundra and Frankie. They played together for 3 years and formed a pack running around in my trees. Our kids got to know Boom and now they are altogether and I am still in the picture.
Boomer’s life is now perfect and he is getting exactly what any dog could wish for. He is with a man who is home absolutely every day with him. He will be taking him fishing and will be happy to have Boomer’s slobber fly all over him because this is the kind of Dad he has always been. My kids get to see him every day. My son Robbie has the dog he wished for and he is there to wake up to him every morning. The best part is Boomer is running around with Tundra, Frankie and Trixie all day long in their big back yard and thankfully a few trees.
As for myself? When the time is right I will return to Boomer’s world and love on him with all of my heart and in the best way that he deserves. Sunshine will be right alongside chasing him as always and Boomer will know we was never abandoned. One day Boomer will return to Brighton for family gatherings and he will know his forest is always here waiting for him. For now Boomer our very own special Lassie has moved on to love the hearts of my son and his father. I knew Lassie was the real deal all along!!
“I Love You Boomer With All Of My Heart”